A current challenge for me at the moment is managing W - my gorgous, passionate three year old. As a fairly experienced mother who has had lots of opportunities to be with other mothers and their children, I am pretty up with it in terms of managing tantrums and kids.
However W has me beat many a day.
In hindsight, raising # 1 son, T, was a doddle and had nothing to do with my parenting, really. I apologise here and now for all the times I judged other mothers when their children were 'acting out' - I simplistically and incorrectly thought - oh it is just how you handle them ..... how embarrassing to admit that now.
W has emotional regulation issues. As the professional says. Yes, professional. I went to see a paediatric psychologist last Friday to see if she could help me, my family and W manage his 'emotional tsunamis'.
Every day W has the normal frustrations of being a 3 year old - he can't make a toy work, his brother steals a toy from him or threatens to bash him over the head with a toy, or he doesn't want to turn off the tv, or he doesn't want his bath, or he doesn't like his dinner, or his pillow is too warm, or the wind is too strong, or his shirt has a mark on it, or it is the wrong shirt, or he does/doesn't want to go to music, or he doesn't want to listen to coach at kindergym, or he wants Daddy (not here) and such things.
The immediate reaction is to hurl a toy across the room, roar at his brother, flail his arms and legs on his back like an upturned beetle, hit me, run off screaming, kick anything in sight - you know, normal toddler stuff.
For two out of three of these - he can be distracted, coerced and beguiled to get over it.
For one out of three - an emotional tsunami is released. This tsunami overtakes his poor little body and can send him for hours into a screaming, hurling, kicking, red faced, sweat drenched, arm and nail gnawing mess that simply cannot be consoled or distracted. Sometimes only bedtime and collapse is the eventual end. Even if it happens in the morning, after a lunch sleep he will wake up exactly as upset as he was.
At these times, the normal strategies of toddlerdom do not work - he has no ability to self-soothe. So time out, being ignored, being scolded amplifies and elongates the tsunami. This is painful for me, frustrating for the au pair, and simply infuriating for D. I am the only one who has any hope of "bringing him down".
What has worked in the past occasionally is for me to physically restrain him on his bed - it doesn't take much as once I hold him down he relaxes his little body. He still screams or moans but I can feel him relaxing. However once I let go it ramps up again. Distraction can work - but usually only temporarily until he remembers he is upset.
So D and I agreed a professional may be able to offer me more effective strategies to a) prevent the tsunami and b) manage it once we have it. Also then we can all use these strategies (au pair, D, etc) rather than me having to handle it solely.
So first appointment with W this Thursday - will keep you posted.
My beautiful boy xxxxx
Labels: Tantrums
