All throughout my life I have questioned myself and my decisions. Not in a low self-esteem way, but more in a "Is this the happiest I can be?" "Should I be doing something more/different that would be better?" I don't believe that I question myself in a "you're a failure, you don't deserve love" way - which is I think so negative and I really can't imagine how awful it must be to live that way - I know many people do - based on experiences from their childhood, which are then circled around again and again in their adult life.
However my kind of questioning of myself, sometimes can be unsettling as well. Embarking on my meditation journey is part of trying to be "present to the now" and not wishing it all way, or waiting for some future event to bring "happiness". Life has helped me as well - that is, when things really do go wrong and therefore you become grateful for what I have.
I have had some wonderful "failures" in my life to learn from. To name a few of the bigger ticket items - relationship failure with my parents on and off for 40 years, marriage # 1 failure, boyfriend #2 cheating on me and gutting me completely, boyfriend # 3 leaving me after 5 months with rent on a house to pay and no income from the new business plus a hole in my heart, running my own business (a roller coaster of success to failure to success that made me numb to emotion), losing money with the business, losing money through property, secondary infertility for nearly two years (the biggest failure of my life at the time - that drove me to pretty severe depression) ..... and then all the little ones as well.
But the first sentence of the last paragraph is a cliche - but in my case, very very true. It has indeed made me know myself better - to know what I want, what I don't want - what makes me happy.
I know that family makes me happy - starting with my husband, and then the kids came along. I know that my girlfriends make me happy but I miss my overseas and interstate friends (the ones I have known the longest) and I know that family dominates and that I don't get to see or be with my new friends as much as I would like. I know health and exercise are essential and I love being fit and making healthy, delicious meals. I know travel and holidays give me excitement and new experiences to break up the everyday. I know reading makes my mind tick over, and I love my work - working with people, working for myself, working when I want to work and earning good money.
However .... I still question. Some days it can be in the form of a negative questioning - perhaps a 'friend' has made me feel less than adequate, perhaps the kids drive me over the edge, perhaps the "ground hog days" are too many, and perhaps I don't see enough of D and don't get enough quality time with D. Comparison is deadly. You look over the fence and it seems we don't have enough money, I don't have an interesting/well paid enough career, my children are less well behaved, I am less organised, more stressy, more needy compared to others. Why do I do it? Not sure, but I know that it is a vicious circle - I feel a bit down, I compare, I feel more down.
As soon as I focus just on my family, my needs - I realise we have EVERYTHING. Literally everything. How? Because we made it happen and more specifically - my life is my creation. Everything is happening perfectly because I created it.
Anyway this has been another random thought bubble - but if you stay posted to this blog you will realise - this is a not a perfect blog story. I will never gold plate my stories or experiences. Many people say blogs make them depresssed (via the comparison). Come to my blog for the good days and the bad days. The last few weeks (with sickness and D finishing his final MBA subject) have been a period of me feeling down. I can see light at the end of the tunnel though....
"In times of doubt, have a cup of tea"
Labels: Groundhog days, Mommy wars, Stay at home mum
