Little Sammy was sick last weekend - that dreadful nothing-comforts-him sickness. Even in my arms he was pretty miserable and there was a lots of times in my arms ... all through the day and night.
So as a result I have been horrendously exhausted. My running has stopped. My blogging has stopped. My novel reading has stopped (mid-novel).
However on a positive note - Tommy has his home piano party in about three weeks - so we have been doing lots of piano practice. And you know what? The more we do, the easier it gets and so much more enjoyable for both of us. Half an hour to an hour is great to get the momentum, get past the frustrating bits and get to the enjoyable (hugs and laughs and secret shared smiles between us) bits. Yay!
Also last week I revamped the toy situation in the house. It was a monster job. All the toys that have itty bitty bits that, in bad moments, by all the children, can be hurled across the room, down the stairs or into the sand pit have been removed to higher realms. Not the giant toy rubbish bin in the sky, no, tempting as that would be, but higher being higher shelves or hidden cupboards. So now, when the kids are out of sight, I don't have a huge fear that when I go to see them that the place has been trashed.
So now, each morning, I bring out a few toys onto the table and that is the play thing for the day. For example, the airplane, or the puzzles, or the train set, or stack-a-pegs, etc. Also E our nanny went through T's shelving units to try and put back all the sets. Not there yet 100% but getting there!
Oh what a joy to be able to whip around the whole house in less than half an hour and have it tidy! No miscellaneous toys wedging between toes as you walk around!
Does this sound anal? Is it inexplicable for others?
I think this is what Feng Shui is ALL about. That feeling that you get when you walk in the house or a room and you don't cringe or scurry to get out as quickly as possible. There is a pleasantness to the tidiness - a feeling if you like. Well I have that feeling about my house again. I love it. (I also know it is short lived - I have let go of any expectation that things will stay the same!)
ALSO I have new Tupperware (yes it gets worse, doesn't it?!). With all the new ingredients from cooking with Mr Gray, I had piles and piles of opened packets of linseeds, or cacao or almonds etc. So I purchased some more Tupperware and got a whole lot of freebie stuff too. And this morning I packed it all away and labelled it. Oh it is a beautiful thing.
Remember - I am mother to four boys. Order and structure and beauty and peace are rare, foreign concepts to me. So I get it where I can.
And there it is.
William is really loving kindy now. And I LOVE it too - the C&K kindy where our boys go is the BEST preparation for life and school. It is such a gentle, loving learning environment.
Eddie is also loving his kindy though he still has a bit of a cry when we drop him - but he is nearly always recovered before we leave the gate. It is also a lovely kindy - a room with a fabulous feel and so much warmth, like the carers. We are very luck to have found it.
I had the pleasure of a night out at Birdcage in Woolloongabba with a school friend who I had not seen for two years. She has led and continues to lead an amazing life - full of similarities with my own in terms of personal development. She is really into mindfulness, meditation, healthy eating and energy and living a life of love and kindness and giving. It was lovely to talk with her - we were talking and nodding and smiling in agreement the whole twenty four hours we were together. A real kindred spirit. I feel blessed to know her.
Something has come up recently to make me question what I really want in our lives and for our family. I have had to stop and challenge what it really means for me to be happy. A useful process actually but tricky as well.
For those who know my history - travel has been a significant part of my life even since when I was a child. So I never imagined myself attached to place. Especially a place like Bris-Vegas! Bris-Vegas (aka Brisbane, Australia) is the third or fourth biggest city in Australia and has really no claim to fame. No harbour, no international culture, no vineyards, no beach, etc.
Yet when I think about all I have in this humble little town, I realise it would take a lot for me to pick up stumps and leave it. Why? Because of my friends, because of the kindy/school (which we value so much) and because of the weather and lifestyle we have as a result. Of course if a fabulous opportunity arises we would take it - but I realise now that the opportunity would really need to be FABULOUS.
This parenting/mothering lark is a tough one. You need to have so much personal drive and resilience. There is no external reward or recognition like in other jobs. The definition of success as a mother is not clear cut and not universally agreed for sure.
The one thing I know for sure is that 'success' has to be internally defined when you are a mother. And the other thing I know for sure is that once you have it defined - know that your definition is subject to change without notice!
Especially because of this blog, and my public commitments to a cause or thing - I can be really tough on myself when I cannot or do not follow through. I commit to solid piano practice but then the baby gets sick and I don't get sleep and then the last thing I have is the energy for piano of a morning. I setup a routine to help Tom get ready for school on time and then I don't enforce the routine. I start running ... and then I stop. I aim to write a blog piece every week, but then two weeks go by and nothing has been published. I want to follow up a friend on something going on in her life and I think of doing it as I fall asleep at night, but then the next day the rush and bustle means I forget to call her. I want to make another batch of gluten free bread but I barely make dinner let alone extras by the end of the day. I want to stay up after the kids go to bed and watch a movie with D, but I am asleep before the kids!
Kindness to myself is a new learning for me. Forgiveness of my infallibility. The only thing I can commit to these days is knowing that I can't keep my commitments every day. And that is okay. And doesn't make me a failure. And it doesn't mean I can't continue to passionately make the commitments! But definitely hold them less tightly. Letting go is not easy for me.
Because it is not about the outcome all of this. It is about the process. The process of raising children and loving a husband, and learning a new skill, or refining an old one, or being a friend, or whatever the current commitment is - is more important than what the end result could be. And then even more importantly it is about feeling the joy in the process - in the present, right now.
So as I listen to the rain falling outside, and finish my herbal tea as I type, and remember the smell and feel of Sammy from his last feed, and hear the laughter of the boys as I cuddled/kissed them to sleep - I realise success is right here right now - ready for me to high five myself with. I just have to see it - let go of what didn't happen, accept what is happening - acknowledge the good stuff really.
(Like the Tupperware cupboard, for example!)
