This blog could just as easily be titled the trouble with certainty. Both have been trouble for me recently.
Once ... I used to be so confident! Life was black and white and I was the painter wielding the brushes in each hand.
Now - I feel so much more easily rockable - like a feather in the breeze. Especially about my blogging or because of my blogging. I choose to "put it out there". The blogging makes me assess what choices I am making and be super conscious of the life I am living. I love it. I sometimes question it. It makes me see the grey of life. And there is only grey, isn't there?
Uncertainty makes for anxiety and an overactive mind. Meditation is hard when you are uncertain - I feel like I don't have time to meditate because there are too many things to think about and make decisions about (even decisions already made).
Uncertainty makes me feel alone and vulnerable. Everyone else seems to be so certain (hmmm I know the reality of that one). Uncertainty makes me not want to talk, to share, to laugh, to relax.
Certainty on the other hand makes me show up as arrogant and able to be easily criticized and laughed at. Some of the responses to this blog imply that my certainty is laughable. I get that it is - but still it is never pleasant to hear others agree with me.
I saw a wonderful interview on SBS last night with Harold Mitchell. He is a media buyer who has worked closely with media magnates, politicians etc. What an amazing, insightful, wise, funny person. I would love to have lunch with him. I rephrase what he said last night, " Be yourself. It is the most successful way I have found to be successful in whatever life you choose".
Well that is one thing I can be confident about. Just be myself. Too easy. And if people judge me, don't like it, - well that is ok, because it is me. I don't have to fake it. And I realise in the recent past I have been trying to fake it. To pretend I am who I am not - that is, a hell of a lot more sorted out than I really am. I am TRYING to sort myself out - but I know in reality I will never get there ... but it is ME to try to and to aim for it. I do love setting goals but I am really good at a realising when it was the wrong goal.
I acknowledge that I am a complex person - most of us are. I am multi-faceted - I like cooking and I like having political discussions. I like being a stay-at-home mum, who also works like a beaver on the investment properties and my new business (Mr Gray). I like having wonderful friends and I like having time to myself. To some - this makes me seem less believable. I don't have a very digestable personality.
But the closer I stick by Mr Mitchell's advice the happier I am.