Space between. Creates breathing space. Creates thinking space. Creates blogging space.
My life oscillates between unmanageable, unspeakable frustration and angst and un bounding joy. Within the hour.
As D pointed out to me, there is no downtime with home schooling. In fact the schooling bit is the downtime, as I am seated with one child only. I love the schooling bit. It's the limited hours either side.
I want and need about 12 more hours per day please. To have time to sit in the playroom and play. To read the paper and have a cup of tea. To have a time where there is no washing in some form (to be washed, to be hung out, to be brought in, to be folded, to be put away). To look my husband in the eye for a measurable amount of time. To sort out renting out old house - grrrr costing us a fortune while it is empty. To do our finances properly so I can see all the money I am splurging on online purchases of books and games - I need help, I need a support group for buying too many school materials ... I am sure other homeschool Mums suffer with this. I need to make follow up Thermomix phone calls. To get out of my pjs before lunchtime. To exercise again - Pilates where art thou? To lose that bloody last 5 kg by not fasting during school then pigging out later in the day. To get fresh coffee beans before we run out. To not have to do a shop at James St markets while Tom is at swim squad in the valley and thereby double my fruit and vegetable bill. And most importantly make time to see my friends who I don't get to see anymore because we don't live opposite the school.
But this week I did manage to do piano with all 3 boys everyday. I did make soap (we had none literally). To order a trampoline (yippee). To get into a new writing textbook - ditched the first one.
To do some letters with William. To cuddle and kiss the baby for overly long periods of time and soak up his scent and squidginess and belly laughter. To read the first chapter of The Jungle Book to all three, and grab the interest of one. To start our history work such that Tom cannot pull himself away from his worksheets of mapping Mesopotamia and drawing Egyptian crowns. I did write a Thermomix newsletter.
I am learning not to need to have everything just so to be proud of myself. I am learning that I can be happy in a moment, if I block out the 'shoulds'. If I don't do this, I will never stop to do that meaningless but oh so important act - never stop to smile at something silly my children want me to stop and look at. I must must catch myself worrying about the next chore rather than just letting go to be with my family.
I have been struggling with my temper and yelling again. Really I am so good 90% of the time, and then I snap. I loathe myself for frightening my children so. It doesn't bloody have any impact - maybe I would be less remorseful if it worked ...... Eddie, my 2 year old is horribly high maintenance. It takes every bit of my self control all day. He just wants attention from his brothers and to find out my limits. He pushes and pushes. But when he smiles and I give him all my attention, he is a delight. I guess I don't do that enough which is why he acts out. Remember I said I needed another 12 hours - okay make that 13, one more for special Eddie time. Sigh.
We need an evening baby sitter. I am still waiting to go out for dinner for my birthday in June. Must must find one ASAP as I really long to have just d and I alone together. E our day time nanny was sent by God. I know I don't believe in God, but she is enough to almost convert me. Thank you universe. Love her to bits - how can you thank someone enough for the tlc she gives me through these crazy choices of mine?
Just worked out we are in week 5 of Newman homeschool. Wow where did that time go. Just finalizing our weekly extra curricular routine. Lord I know it is still completely ott. 3 swim squad, 2 tennis, 2 soccer, 1 chess, 1 piano and that is just Tom. Will has 1 tennis, 1 piano and 1 swim lesson. Ed has 1 piano, 1 tennis. In summer we add swim club, futsal, cricket training and game. Oh my. But Tom loves it as do the other boys. And I do too - once again it is a matter of wanting it all at the cost of the aforementioned space.
Sigh. I sometimes feel I am a hopeless case and certainly I often feel as separate from other more sensible, capable, rational human beings. But my husband without him knowing it, keeps me focused on our choices for our family and that we are on the right path in all things - schooling, financial, familial, etc. Love that he supports me so much. Thousands wouldn't.