It is a such a cliché and truth that you have to look after yourself before you can hope to look after others. Somehow, and not just because of the homeschooling, I have lost the mental ability to do this.
I have the physical ability each week to do it. I have a wonderful nanny four mornings a week. I used to do a 45 minute pilates session some mornings. Or take the time to choose some new recipes for the week and write a menu plan.
But I have had that low level anxiety creep up on me again. That I am never on top of things. And any spare moment, literally moment, I have I try and get 'done' something that I feel needs doing - the immediate stuff, not the long term big picture stuff that is CRUCIAL for MY peace of mind and well being.
It truly astonishes me how people have time to watch television. Truly. For me this is the ultimate self-indulgence and time waster. I highly respect time-wasting. An anxious person cannot time waste. Perhaps a more confident person can time waste - but I don't truly think I am not confident. I just am definitely too highly driven. Driven to lead a life not wasted. But then we come full circle don't we!! Anyway back en pointe, television for me is as far away as learning how to ballroom dance. Just not on the ballpark of the radar to mix my metaphors. (On that note, I realise how my writing is full of clichés and this apparently is not good writing - oh well add that to the to do list to review my writing to remove said clichés!)
So what has happened? Why have I lost the big picture plot? I think a number of things. Firstly, I have put a lot of effort into my Thermomix business. I love the product, the people and company, demonstrating and seeing my happy customers. However it is quite time intensive (as with all sales roles). I have earnt great money but at the expense of my me time. Also at the expense of my children's time perhaps and therein may lie the rub - guilt perhaps?
I have neglected piano with Tom to some degree and to William to a huge degree. When teaching a 4 year old piano you need to plan and you need to have lots of games at the ready and you need the energy for all the above. I really really want to prioritise this each day. If I prioritise properly, I can do it all. I know that is an illusion .... but I can feel better perhaps? (I can see you all shaking your head and laughing at/with me!)
Tom's home school is actually the one thing I am extremely happy and proud of. As we get into it, it becomes much easier and so rewarding. I have 'let go' of the need to do it like school (regimented, daily, structured) and now I just go gently with the flow. Some days we do heaps, some days very little. And he is flying. Particularly in History/Geography and Maths, but also spelling and writing. I am very proud and wish I could share it with someone who could make the appropriate noises of admiration (!)
Tom is still doing and probably doing more sport than ever. But with homeschool it fits a lot more easily and with less stress for everyone. He is doing tennis 4 1/2 hours per week, cricket about 5 1/2 per week (games are long), swimming about 4 hours per week, soccer about an hour (off season). Also chess once per week and piano lessons with me daily and with the teacher weekly. I am not sure which is his favourite sport but he has plenty of time to try them all and see if he wants to pursue any more seriously as he gets older.
Can you see just what happened to my blog - the me in the title got hijacked by the children again. I do love my life so much and I do invest a lot into the kids (yes, I know, understatement) but I believe it is a good investment. I have an objective to raise a happy, loving family and children with character and values and morals. Sounds a bit corny I know but I am being honest.
So back to me. And so this means back to an au pair. I love our nanny and she comes four hours in the morning four days per week. But really, given Damien's work lack of schedule and me wanting/ needing/desiring to go back to my real job next year - we are going to need more support than that to enable me time, husband time, work time and all of the above as well. I have listed a vacancy on www.aupairworld.net - where we got our last au pairs so will let you know how we go. D and I will move to the proper main bedroom downstairs (with baby monitor probably) so that she can have our bedroom upstairs. I am looking forward to that as the bedroom downstairs is bigger and with a better bathroom and now that S is sleeping so well at night I hope (pray?) that we may get better, longer sleep.
What will I do with my me time? Oh even that is a difficult question to answer because when you (I) are in an anxiety funk you actually cannot visualise having that time let alone what to do with it. So here goes:
1) Blog - I love blogging - I think I would blog even if I had no audience, but thanks to my facebook friends I do have some readers! Blogging helps me clear my head and clear my thoughts and straighten and expand my thoughts. Few understand this other than other bloggers. Many, in a grey mood, will call blogging self-indulgent and overly sharing and typical show-pony Jane. Well maybe and sometimes when I met/hear from such, I do feel that stab in the stomach that used to happen so often in my twenties that maybe I am as they describe. But much much much more often I receive wonderful messages and emails and comments about how much people enjoy my blogs. One such email yesterday made me cry. A friend from so long ago, who is a person of character and values and morals who I have always respected for her intelligence, warmth and spirit - wrote to me and said she could see how my loving creativity with my children would raise fine human beings. There has never been a compliment I have received with more pleasure. Thank you R. See you next week - xxx.
2) Pilates, yoga and mediation - some combination of these. I have practiced yoga since early 2001 and I love its mind, body, spirit connection. Meditation has helped me so much in the stressful, worst times of my life. And pilates gives me more waist definition and a lifted butt!! All very important for self-esteem and reducing anxiety. There are so many options in my area for all three of these.
3) Reading. I have actually read two books in the last week. I will do a book review especially of the last one which was wonderful (The Roise Project by Graeme Simpson). Unfortunately this reading was in lieu of sleep time - read until 1.15am one morning, and was up at 4.45am with the kids ..... Reading is my escapism - preferable for me than television. I have lots and lots of real books - all currently in boxes in the garage. Realistically now all my books are on my Ipad Kindle now. My library grows much more quickly as a result. Instant gratification thanks to one click ordering of downloaded books from Amazon. Tres dangereaux for the spending.....
4) Cooking for pleasure and choosing yummy meals to experiment with and not cooking in a hurry. Doesn't happen often and I will have to send the children away to do it (otherwise my quiet cooking time is hijacked) - bring on au pair. I love my Thermomix so much as it allows such creativity with success rates very high. And a lot less preparation time and less cleaning/washing up.
As I type this list a new list is appearing in my mind. Things I want to do with the family not just without them. Like more bush walking, more drives in the country, more evening walks around the suburb, more snacks and drinks on the back deck as the sunsets (kids on trampoline or in pool). There is so much joy to be had in the everyday if one prioritises it and lets the anxiety go. Sigh.
So to begin my new found dedication to Me time I will go to pilates this morning. And I will do piano with William and Tom. And I have booked a babysitter for Thursday night for a date night with Damien. So the week is looking good.