Someone at work said to me the other day, about a recruitment decision for our firm, you might think yes, but do you have doubt? If you have doubt, it is not meant to be. I challenged him on this and said that many decisions in life have no clear black or white, right or wrong answer. He countered that with, do you have any doubt that you love your children? (Implying some answers are indeed no dobut).
Well don't get me started! The clichéd answer is "of course I love my children". But in reality do I 'love' them every moment of every day? Hell, no.
I was wise enough to not challenge him any further but really I know very few big questions in life where you "know" for sure you are doing the right thing.
I was speaking to a good friend today on the phone and telling her about Melbourne life. I said that my work was great, I was enjoying it - but worried maybe I wasn't delivering enough yet. I said the boys had settled in nicely and were happy, though I do worry about friendships for Tom. I said I loved our house and our garden, our au pair was fabulous. I said the only thing that is a bit less then perfect was Damien and I not connecting as much as we did pre the move and just post the move (before I started working) - it is a bit logistics, child-centric and not very couple centric life at the moment (we are planning on re kicking in the date nights...).
Anyway, she said was envious of me being back at work as she is still at home with her kids full time. I thought about this and said, yes I was happy to be at work but I still mourn the loss of my past life. Almost as much as the identity shift that a woman goes through when she has her first child, I feel like I am undergoing an identity shift again.
It is weird to go to the playground with the children today, and not be one of the mums with a young baby, discussing breastfeeding and sharing birth stories. It feels weird but right.
It is like with every gain there is some kind of loss. It is not black and white, right decision, wrong decision. It is just the decision you make, which you hope will take you in the direction of your dreams, to live the life you have imagined.
But for every step forward, like the move to Melbourne, I mourn what I left behind or what I chose not to do. It was/is the right move, but there is a loss nonetheless. It is the right decision, but still with doubt surrounding it.
All my life I have craved certainty and consistency. I never achieved it and never will. I remember as a teenager never being in one of the "groups" - I was never the popular, mean girl; I was never the arty, hippie, "Violent Femmes" girl; I was never the goth; I was not the nerd in the corner; I was not the clubbing, smoking rebel. I was a bit of all of them but longed to be "one" of them. I toyed with periods of each of them but never lasted.
One of the things I most appreciate about Damien is that he still loves me with all my inconsistencies. One minute I am on this bandwagon, the next minute I am on the next. I am a self-help junkie. As he said, "I will never die wondering". But I see that inconsistency in myself and despise it. I wish I was the kind of person who could go vegetarian .... and stay vegetarian. Take up triathlons ...for longer than season. Build a system of remembering to send cards for friends on their birthdays ... and then not stop using that system.
But alas no it is not me. Age and experience tell me - I am an 'early adopter' and 'early discarder'.
So I continue to dream, to take action - steer this family of mine on a course and path. Thank goodness our children learn more from who we are and what we do, than what we say or espouse.
Because I hope that who I am is someone who has ambitions and dreams and is not complacent; doesn't blame others or the world if things don't work out - I take it as my own; sees everything as an opportunity - every problem is solvable to some degree and there is a positive to everything.
I hope that my children see that I believe in doing right by others, even if no one is looking or that it will never be reciprocated. I hope that they see that my friends, the people I want around me - are genuine, honest, hearty and embrace life as much as I do. I don't hang out with people who bring me or us down. I don't do "victim mentality" at all nor do I suffer it in others (one area I struggle to be compassionate with others about)
I am certainly anti-establishment and don't much care for rules (I have big issues with the seatbelt off beeping noise in my car - I don't put my seatbelt on just because it keeps telling me too - I know, that one is very crazy, especially with the kids yelling at me to put my seatbelt on as well - I really don't like being told what to do). I make my rules based on the situation at hand - based on my sense of fairness and equity and risk assessment. I reckon this is why I lean towards the conservative side of politics as big government for me is like Big Brother and that seatbelt reminder bell in the car. Yes I know that was a big leap but I think you see where I am coming from.
I love being inspired and love grand ideas, I love connecting the dots broadly. I love TED lectures. I love English Literature and quotes from great men and women. I love depth in people, and people who allow others to see that depth.
So rereading that, I realise really how completely screwed up my children are going to grow up to be .... no only joking, but it is sobering. Parenthood is the greatest mirror.
Today in one moment I can go from joy, to unreasonable frustration in a heartbeat. Bloody children. Then I regret the harsh words and the harsh heart behind them. But they are incredibly forgiving and still want me to get in the bath with them (humour moment - William wanted to see where my wee came out and being told the general vicinity was not sufficient. I exited the bath fairly quickly at that point. Possibly because I myself am not exactly sure. Moving right along ...) and for me to read them stories and tell me how much they love me.
Anyway, Damien has promised to do some personal training with me tonight so best sign off. I know. I know. But I am on this 30 day cleanse currently (which involves two sets of 60 hour fasting good golly gosh) and need to do some toning up. And it is no alcohol and no caffeine for 30 days. Sorry should have made sure you were sitting down when I said that.
If the cleanse works (I lose weight, I feel better, etc) I will tell you all about it. If it doesn't, well ... nothing to see here.