It is not very politically correct to say you use Facebook anymore. Some people use facebook regularly - like me. Some are on facebook but are lurkers (they read other people's posts but don't post much themselves). Some have facebook profiles but they are empty and they never go on it. And some have no facebook profile. And some have no facebook profile and completely disparage others for having a facebook profile!
Having had this conversation with many people, I started to think more deeply about it and realised I wanted to take a stand.
I love facebook. There I said it.
I love knowing what my friends are doing - all the small stuff and the big stuff. Now I am fussy as to who I "look" at in my newsfeed. Anyone who I do not consider a close friend (that is, I don't really care to know their updates - dreadful I know) I "hide". I of course don't accept friend requests from people who are not friends, nor do I send a friend request for such. I also have people on my feed who are not close friend but who are INTERESTING. I enjoy reading and laughing or considering what they have to say or share.
Many of the naysayers say that if you are that interested in what your friends are doing - call them, email them, have coffee/wine with them. I would love to do that. But at my lifestage - there is simply not enough time for all the socialising I would like to do. Young children, large mortgages .... This is pretty universal for this lifestage - so facebook enables me to stay close and familiar at a time that is suitable (train ride, after kids go to bed, waiting in a doctor's surgery). I love that when I do catch up with a friend, I know what they have been up to and can ask them how it is going, and more in depth questions about their lives.
I love that I still feel very close to friends who live a long way away. I have a friend in Canada - she is not a prolific poster anymore (full time lawyer) but her post and her husband's and her sister;s have kept me up to date on her two beautiful boys and their house moves and their holidays etc. I WISH so much that more of my friends posted on facebook. I would love to be closer to my bridesmaid in the UK - her four boys. I love seeing photos of my friend in the UK's new little boy and their house renovations. I love seeing holiday snaps from the most well travelled German family in the world! I wish so many of my friends in Brisbane were more active on facebook. I would love to know what they and their kids are up to. Sigh.
Naysayers also say, "I don't care about what you had for breakfast at that café! Why do people post such boring updates?" Well you know what - it is called enjoying the moment. I love seeing the small things in life that people are grateful for. I post those inconsequential posts - because, you know, it is those little inconsequential moments - stopping to recognise them, that is the heart of happiness. I learnt this through being a mother and having to step off the hamster wheel. It sounds crazy, but when I am washing up, I try to meditate on that and really be in that moment. Hell, I have to do the washing up anyway, why not get some transcendence in the seconds I can. So in short, the small stuff is what makes our day. I promise no posts of the suds.
As most of you know, I am on husband # 2. Husband #1 was and I am sure still is a wonderful, gentle man. But we, stupidly, decided to live on either side of the world for a period of time for our respective works. Well you know what I think broke us up? We still shared the same big picture values and 'love', but we stopped sharing the small stuff. The small stuff is what draws us together. If I have a friend, who I know where their children are going to school, what work they do, where they go on holiday, you know what - I don't think I would "know" them as well as someone who I knew what their favourite restaurant was and the dish at that restaurant, or what they notice on a bushwalk, or what parts of their kids they find the most annoying and/or joyful. Or how they react to a train hold up. Or when their baby throws up at a very inconvenient time. Or what makes them laugh. Or what youtube video tickles their fancy. Or what funny comment resonates for them.
But facebook therefore requires and openness and honesty a lot of people feel uncomfortable with. It requires the ability to reflect and think what is worth sharing. Who am I and what do I stand for? There is a psychology phd I am sure in facebook.
People criticize other people's posts in generalisation. " She is a boaster facebooker" (always posting pictures of her kids with trophies, awards etc). 'She is the name dropper facebooker'. "He is the show off my new shiny toys, expensive holidays, etc facebooker" "She is the facebooker who posts her live birth videos that gross everyone out" Well you know what - they probably are! And so if you cannot accept people for who they are - and have COMPASSION for our weaknesses and needs - what sort of person are you anyway? When I see a boaster facebooker -I like and congratulate - because why not - doesn't take anything away from me to give them a little boost. If you don't like that person or what they post - it is EASY - hide hide hide. Need never see it again. But don't call yourself a true friend to that person anymore. (And I can say that about myself as well for the people I hide) Anyway, mini rant within a rant over.
I do hide/ignore the victim facebookers - one of my few/many intolerances. Don't expect me to write sympathetic notes of condolences. My favourite peeve is facebook whinges that don't tell you what happened - so you are obliged to say "oh you poor thing, what happened?" in the comment. (Rereading this I see the hypocrisy of myself in the last two paragraphs - I do need serious help on my compassion for hopeless cases/victim mentality types. Another big sigh)
I have a friend in Brisbane who is the best facebook poster (great posts, so funny, so frequent, so honest) and I know statistically very little about her and her past. But I think we do know each other because of our facebooks - I know the way her crazy, lovable, vulnerable, amazingly resilient self works. I wish I could know her more - but we only met near the end of our time in Brisbane.
So why do I post on facebook? Because an experience shared is so much greatwe than one experience alone, generally. I love the comments I get on the craziness of my day. Sometimes something so terrible happens that it is immediately put in the 'I can laugh about it now' box due to the responses on facebook. I also know my friends will share in my joys when I have them.
I admit I will generally not post bad news, or when I am depressed, or down. I don't use facebook as a counselling tool or sympathy seeker. I will post something bad if it is now funny and I have already sorted it out.
So, as my friends know, if I go quiet on facebook or this blog - there is some serious shit going down - so maybe a phone call would be appreciated by me. I often get friends ringing and saying just that - you've gone quiet - what's up?
I am actually an introvert. Hard to believe - but I am very internally driven rather than externally driven. The world may say what they want - but it is my opinion of my decisions and actions that counts - and it is actually much harsher than anyone outside could ever really be. Makes me think of the poem below. I thought it was called the Man in the Mirror but it is apparently called The Guy in the Glass. (note first line not a typo pelf is an old fashioned word for wealth/money). Author is Peter "Dale" Winbrow Senior.
When you get all you want and you struggle for pelf,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.
He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.